Being in the middle of family conflict is stressful and exhausting. Families should be a haven, not a hell. If you are in this situation, you probably feel responsible for trying to fix things. Know that whatever is happening right now, you are more than the fighting – this conflict is not a reflection of who you are.
No conflict is the same; and there is not to be going a definite way to fix the problem. When things at home get this messy it is hard to see a way out of it. What is often needed is perspective – everyone needs to take a step back and see the problem from an outsider’s view. Opening up to someone outside of your family can help you gain clarity on the issue, it could be a friend, counsellor, coach, mentor or trusted adult.
Now, you might fear how your family would react if they knew you had spoken to someone else. Reach out to someone in a way where you still feel safe.
Your family needs to get to a place where they understand why you are fighting. Often conflicts that are filled with anger could be grounded in fear. In other words, everyone seems like they are angry with each other, but deep down, they’re probably scared or worried about something. For example, your mum might be constantly angry at you for not studying or working hard enough. Although, she just seems angry, she is probably just scared or worried; scared that you are not going to make a success of your life, worried that you are not going to reach your full potential, scared that she has failed as your mum.
Sitting down with your mum and having a conversation, when you are both calm and don’t personally attack each other, can help get to the root cause of the issue. This is hard to do – it takes courage to start these conversations.
You need to find out what your family has in common, the things you agree on and try reminding each other of that. Often, we get so lost in the chaos of conflict that we forget we want the same thing.
If you feel like your family conflict has gotten out of control, seeking professional help is an option. It might not work for everyone, but it can work for someone.
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